


Pas de Deux

by scifi



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, Jealous Dan, Jealous Phil, M/M, Smut, a whole lot of jealousy, modern fwb, mutual pining but they don't know it!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-10-16 00:47:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17539484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifi/pseuds/scifi
Summary: for ten years they’ve been friends with benefits; no messy feelings, no exclusivity, and no commitment. for ten years that arrangement was great, except dan’s hopelessly in love with his best friend and he can’t keep doing this. not when phil doesn’t love him back.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> what started off as a single oneshot grew into a three-part mini-fic because i guess i find angst really fun to write? also shoutout to all my fellow fwb lovers,,, i thought the phandom was lacking modern era fwb so i took one for the team and wrote this
> 
>  
> 
> inspired by the score [pas de deux](https://open.spotify.com/album/5cX5UUId8zi6sOU9vhuNw9) (give it a listen it's v pretty)

They’re falling onto strange sheets in a home that isn’t theirs. Naked bodies pressing together, laughter spilling out between kisses. No one is home and they have time to kill, there’s only have one logical way to spend it.

Phil’s on top of Dan, broad chest flush against his. It’s freezing outside but in here, in this room, it feels like they’re inside the sun.  Being like this always makes Dan feel as if his body is like wildfire. Every touch, every kiss, every stolen moment just makes the fire grow hotter.

The guest bedroom sheets scratch his back, they’re nothing like the 700 thread count he indulges in back home. But that’s part of the fun, part of what makes this game of theirs so thrilling. This little secret of theirs followed them up north for Christmas and Dan absolutely loves the excitement. 

Phil’s mouth is on his, and Dan kisses back almost desperately. He never knows when he’ll get to kiss Phil next so he always makes the most of having his kisses all to himself. Dan’s selfish like that.

His hands wander from Phil’s hair to his shoulders to the little bumps of his spine, chasing them all the way down to the curves of Phil’s hips. His fingers press into the soft flesh, pulling Phil closer so there is no space between them. Like this, he can feel Phil’s dick pressed against his. They’re still in their pants but the telltale arousal is undoubtedly there. He pushes his hips up, testing, relishing the tantalising friction as he waits for Phil to make the next move.

That’s part of their game, Phil always has the lead.

Phil pulls up from the kiss, sitting upright, and Dan tries to chase his lips. He doesn’t want to stop feeling Phil like this. It has been a while since they indulged in such a selfish thing, Dan doesn’t know when he’ll get another chance.

He strains his neck to nip at Phil’s bottom lip and Phil plants his hands on Dan’s jaw, holding him as they kiss. Phil drags his lips away from Dan’s, face hovering so close that he can feel Phil’s hot ragged breaths. Phil’s staring at him, blue eyes nothing but dark saucers and Dan shivers. His gaze feels powerful as if he is staring right through him. Dan almost breaks the pause with a kiss because he’s desperate enough but before he can, Phil sits back fully.

“Did you bring any lube? Condoms?”

The question causes him to raise a brow. It has been a while since they fucked but maybe it was because of a slight chance that they might, he did. 

“Toiletries. Lube is the little bottle.”

Phil nods his head and slides off the bed in favour of rummaging through Dan’s stuff. He doesn’t take long before Phil’s climbing back on top of him, clawing at the band of his pants.

As Phil chucks his pants on the ground, Dan feels his cock spring up hot and heavy onto his belly. His eyes lock on Phil as he bends down to place a single kiss on the underside of Dan. The sensation itself shouldn’t feel like much but Dan can’t help but feel pleasure ripple throughout his body. 

“I missed you,” Phil murmurs, pressing his lips against Dan’s cock once again before trailing kisses down to his balls.

“It has been a while,” Dan muses, well at least he tries to say it as nonchalantly as possible. Now’s not the time for feelings.

Phil’s slender fingers wrap around his cock, tugging gently as he presses intimate kisses upon Dan. Last time they fucked it was fast and filthy, there weren’t any kisses like these and something about that caused the pleasure to heighten. He could unravel himself with just Phil’s lips on his balls, that’s how much he craved his friend’s touch.

They’re like this for a while, Phil kissing and stroking Dan too lightly to send him over the edge but just enough to make his whole body buzz. Eventually, Phil sits back up, picking up the small bottle of lube and squeezing the liquid onto one of his hands while he tears open a condom packet with the other.

Dan’s just about to tell him that they need to pause so Dan can prepare but he doesn’t get a chance. Instead of feeling Phil’s lube slick fingers brush against his rim, he feels latex rolling down his length before hands wrap around his cock, lathering him up in the still cool sticky liquid. 

This comes as a surprise that is elicited as a moan. It has been a fucking long time since they did this. Phil’s the one to take the lead whenever they dance the fine line between friends and lovers. Usually, that means Dan ends up on his knees with Phil buried deep inside him. He can’t even remember the last time Phil wanted something else, months maybe even years.

“Phil,” Dan whimpers and he’s cut off with Phil’s mouth on his, kissing him deeply.

He doesn’t respond, not that it really matters, instead, Phil drops down to suck on his collarbone hard enough to leave a mark. Maybe Dan should be worried that there’ll be a telltale sign of the secret they have but he isn’t. All he’s worried about now is how not to come the moment he slips into Phil.

Dan brings a hand down to tug off Phil’s pants, feeling Phil’s cock hit his. It’s almost an instinct to snap his hips up and grind against him, the sensation feeling even more divine with the lube. He feels a hum against his skin, followed by Phil’s hips pressing down. They’re rutting like two fumbling teenagers but Dan feels intoxicated by how electric it feels.

He slides a hand down Phil’s body, dipping a finger between his crack to press against his rim. He’s met with little resistance, sliding into his wet hole.

“You prepared,” Dan says, trying to hide his excitement at how Phil had wanted this before Dan even knew. 

“Want you,” Phil nuzzles his neck and for a moment Dan can’t help but think of how weirdly intimate nuzzling is. Yes, Phil kissing his balls is more intimate but nuzzling is a different kind, it’s not them.

Phil settles himself back on Dan’s thighs and he doesn’t dare to move. He looks beautiful straddling him, pale skin stretched out, his long cock red and hard nestled within trim brown hair. All his sharp lines and soft curves look as if he’s a divine being, too beautiful to be real. 

He holds Dan’s dick steady so he can lower himself and as he does Dan’s mind goes white and a loud moan fills the room. Phil feels better than anyone else he’s ever been in. Maybe it’s because they’ve been fucking for almost a decade and the familiarity is so intoxicating, or maybe it is because Phil’s ass is perfect. Either option is perfectly viable as Phil slowly sinks down on his cock, little whimpers spilling from his lips as he does so.

When he bottoms up Phil presses a hand upon Dan’s chest and as much as Dan wants to grind his hips up into the tight heat, he waits. He waits until Phil leans down for a chaste kiss and whispers, “You’re the best cock I’ve ever sat on.”

Something about that elicits something within Dan, a little twinge in his chest and a wave of heat reaching out to every atom within him. He doesn’t want to think about everyone else that’s gotten to see Phil like this, at his most intimate.  

He responds by thrusting up, burying himself as deep as he can go, satisfied in the guttural moan that comes from Phil.

They find a rhythm, hips meeting in slightly offbeat thrusts, Phil taking control as he angles Dan towards the bundle of nerves that, when he hits, makes Phil unravel with incoherent babbles and whines.

Phil’s so fucking tight and the drag from each stroke makes the white-hot heat deep within Dan grow stronger. He wants to close his eyes, let the pleasure take over but the sight of Phil riding him, his cock bouncing with every thrust, is far too important to do such a thing.

Dan doesn’t know when he’ll get to see Phil like this again, he wants to take it all in.

Phil’s grinding against him in lazy circles and Dan reaches out to wrap his hand around Phil, stroking him loosely. The extra contact must ignite something within Phil because he arches his back, whimpering, following each one of Dan’s strokes. 

He usually needs it hard and fast to send him over the edge but his balls are drawn up tight and the sight of Phil needy and desperate for his touch is enough. His orgasm rips through him from the tip of head to his curled up toes. Phil keeps riding him through his climax, chasing after his own and the sensation is almost too much for his spent cock. Before he can get Phil to pull off, he’s coming in Dan’s hand, writhing and whining on top of him.

Phil falls forward onto Dan’s chest that’s now covered in his come, his own chest ragged as he tries to catch his breath. 

Usually after sex, Phil never lingers. He always gets up and leaves as if what they just shared wasn’t something. For Phil, their secret was just some fun that has gone on too long to quit. For Dan, it’s an addiction. He craves for the next chance he gets at having Phil like this. They weren’t exclusive, they’re not even dating. Just best friends who mixed in fucking from the very beginning. 

Unlike every other time they’ve fucked, Phil doesn’t get up straight away. Instead, he stays with Dan’s softening cock still inside him and lips brushing against Dan’s.

That’s another thing Phil doesn’t do after sex, kiss. They’re friends after all, the only time Dan gets to feel the pleasure of his lips is whenever Phil’s dick is hard. So it comes as a surprise when Phil presses his lips against Dan’s, soft and lingering, a stark contrast to the lustful desperation from earlier. 

“What was that for?” Dan whispers, trying not to let confusion seep into his words.

Instead of responding with what Dan wants to hear, he evades it all together. Phil has always been so terribly good at doing that, “Everyone will be back soon. We need to get cleaned up.”

“Do we have to? I’d much rather stay here,” Dan says, sneaking another kiss. They definitely don’t do that after sex. 

Phil rolls off him and the loss of Phil all tight and hot around his cock makes him already crave Phil again. 

Phil chuckles as if what just happened between them was nothing, “Kath wants to take us to the pub, told me there’s a nice girl she wants you to meet.”

There it is again. The little twinge in his chest.

“Did she invite me up for Christmas just to get me a hookup?” 

“She said the girl’s exactly your type,” Phil winks and the cheesiness drowns out the uneasy feeling in his chest just for a moment.

Dan knows what his type is and it’s not any girl that Kath could find for him. His type doesn’t have long hair, soft breasts and a voice like birdsong. No, his type is tall and handsome with hair jet black and eyes a captivating mix of blue, green, and yellow. 

Not that Phil knows that of course. To him what they have is just a bit of fun on the side, it was never meant to mean anything more than an occasional screw. 

Dan can feel himself thinking too much, letting the twinge in his chest take control. He tries to shake himself out of it, looking over at Phil who is now rummaging for clean clothes. 

“If I get lucky you’re sleeping on the sofa tonight,” Dan says pushing all the thoughts away and attempting to match Phil’s nonchalant tone.

Phil looks over at him, a grin on his face, “Only if you tell me all the details tomorrow.”

He rolls his eyes, it’s too easy for them to slip back into best friend mode after fucking. There’s still a twinge in his chest, a desire to pull Phil back into bed and forget about everyone else but all of that can be ignored. They’ve been playing this wicked game for a decade, another night of pretending everything’s alright won't hurt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](http://scifiphan.tumblr.com) or [rebloggu the post](https://scifiphan.tumblr.com/post/182294738786/pas-de-deux) uwu  
> beta'd by the lovely [agingphangirl!](http://agingphangirl.tumblr.com/)


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo! sorry for the delayed update life can really be a bitch sometimes huh

Dan turns his keys in the door, the sound of an opening lock filling up the empty hallway. He hesitates for a moment before putting his hand on the knob, mentally preparing himself for the nondescript small talk he’ll do once he’s through the door. It’s hot in the corridor, he wants to peel off all his layers but he isn’t racing to get inside. It may be hot out here but nothing burns as strongly as the shame that’s filling him up right now. 

Grindr hookups had been a thing of the past, he’d grown out of that phase a while ago but the past is always quick to catch up. The bloke had been nice enough, met him for coffee in Costa before sucking his dick in a small studio apartment. It had momentarily satiated the craving that flickers inside him but that feeling didn’t last.  After all had been said and done he had been left lying in a stranger's bed with the lingering taste of come in his mouth. The whole hookup thing didn’t feel right then. Not because he didn’t enjoy it but because the man wasn’t Phil.

He’s in too fucking deep. 

He knew he was in too deep years ago, when the whole friends with benefits thing stopped feeling beneficial. Of course, he stayed. Because he’d much rather have whatever they are compared to not having Phil at all, but it wasn’t easy. It has never been easy.

He thought things might be changing, especially ever since Christmas. He can still remember the way Phil kissed him after sex. He’d never done that before so Dan had thought there could have been something else beginning to rise to the surface.

Whatever change that happened up north never came back home with them. The side of Phil that he saw for an evanescent time had vanished into what they were before, friends with barely any benefits.

That’s what led him to redownload Grindr and find the first man who wanted a fuck today. He’s been craving another person’s touch for the past month, a craving that had only intensified after those few days up north.

He’s been standing in the hallway for what feels like forever, keys dangling in the door, and even though he’s still not fully prepared to face Phil, there’s no use standing outside their apartment forever.

Dan pushes the door open and thankfully Phil isn’t anywhere to be seen and he lets out a shaky sigh of relief at the extra moments he’s gained. As he sheds his coat, he plasters a grin on his face to mask the red hot shame that’s consuming him.

“Phil what do you think about ch-”

He stops before he can finish the question because he hears laughter. That’s odd? Phil was meant to be home alone and that definitely doesn’t sound like just one person’s laugh. 

He hovers by the door, not sure of what to do. He hears it again, the familiar sound of Phil’s giggles mixed in with an unfamiliar laugh too deep and robust to be anyone they know. 

Maybe Phil brought over Martyn and some of his mates, or a uni friend had been passing through. A dozen different excuses pop up in his head but he doesn’t have to let his thoughts linger because Phil pops his head out of the kitchen, a grin on his face.

“Dan! Come in we’re just making dinner now!”

“We?” He asks, eyes narrowing at Phil’s enthusiasm.

“There’s enough food for all of us,” Phil dodges his curiosity. “Where did you get off to this afternoon?”

Dan shrugs, “Just out, had a few errands to run.”

He’s not telling Phil about his hookup, not now anyway. 

Dan follows Phil into the kitchen and he’s met with someone he’s never seen before. Long shaggy blonde hair, stubble, eyes paler than the sky and fit enough to make anyone take a second glance. He’s everything Dan isn’t.

There are wine glasses on the island, and two bottles of red drained of every last drop. The hotplates are covered with pots and pans all filled with something aromatic. The stranger stands in front of the chaos, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. Maybe Dan wasn’t the only one who hadn’t expected company this evening.

“Uh Dan, this is Lee, my uh… Lee this is Dan, my flatmate.”

He picks up on Phil’s uneasiness and watches him pick up a full glass, quickly swigging some wine. He doesn’t need Phil to tell him who Lee is because Dan knew from the moment he saw the man. Phil’s taste has always been the complete opposite of what Dan is, the ruggedly handsome men that could give Chris Hemsworth a run for his money. It always kicks Dan’s jealousy up a notch because it’s a reminder that he’ll never be what Phil wants.

Lee takes a step towards him, extending a hand, “Nice to meet ya Dan!”

He has an accent. Of course he has an accent. They always have fucking accents.

Dan takes his hand and shakes it, “Yeah same here. What are you cooking?”

“Stir fry! Trying to impress Phil with the only meal I’m good at,” Lee says.

“Don’t think you need to impress him,” Dan replies, a little bit tenser than he should have.

“Dan’s right about that,” Phil crosses over to Lee, kissing his cheek quickly. The action causing Dan to freeze. “Your abs did all the impressing needed.”

Flirting. Disgusting. Absolutely terrible. Dan can feel a lump in the back of his throat and his chest tighten as Phil rubs the new man in his face. Phil hasn’t brought anyone home in so long that he almost forgot what this is like but he definitely remembers that he fucking hates it.

He needs some wine if he has to deal with this so he picks up Phil’s glass and drinks the remainder. He doesn’t care to ask if Phil minds.

“How did you two meet?” He asks, not wanting to know the answer but he doesn’t know what else to say.

They laugh, so obviously tipsy. 

“I wish I could give you a great story but we…” Lee trails off into giggles.

“We met on Grindr,” Phil finishes, eyes meeting Dan’s for a fleeting moment before looking to the floor. 

He’d be a hypocrite to judge, he used Grindr only a few hours prior, but something about that hit Dan off-guard. It may have been a long time since Dan used dating apps but for Phil, it had been even longer. He’d never be a fan of it, instead preferring the organic way of finding a date. So Dan can’t help but feel uneasy about all this.

“Didn’t expect to stick around but Phil’s a pretty nice guy,” Lee says, leaning over to peck Phil’s lips.

If Dan could throw up right now he would. PDA is bad enough with strangers but when it’s Phil… He can’t stomach it at all.

“How wonderful,” Dan replies, too forced to sound casual. “I don’t want to interrupt you two so I should go.”

He doesn’t want to play pretend, to act as if he’s okay with all this because he isn’t. He’s the exact opposite of okay. 

“Oh please stay!” Lee says, louder than needed. Dan catches Phil’s eyes widen at the prospect. “I think I’ve made enough to feed us for a week.”

“I’m not that hungry, I’ll just grab some leftovers?” Dan forces a smile. He feels tense, uneasy. He’d rather choke on the lump in his throat than see Phil getting cosy with a stranger.

He doesn’t wait for either of their responses, he just slips out of the kitchen, his lips drawn tight in a smile.

Dan bounds up the stairs, two at a time. He can hear Lee’s voice through the apartment, loud and deep filling empty space with laughter. 

He closes his bedroom door with a bang, half hoping it was loud enough for them to hear. He shouldn’t make a scene out of this. They’re allowed to fuck whoever they want, they’re just friends after all. 

But they weren’t  _ just _ friends, they were more than that. Maybe years ago he could deal with the emotional weight that benefits add but not now. Not with almost ten years of questionable history attached. 

He thought things had changed between them. They had stopped dating others long before the tour and even if they weren’t fucking as often, each time felt a little bit different. He can still remember the way Phil kissed him last time they had sex. That had been new, exciting. He thought it was Phil’s way of showing him that it was time for change. 

Maybe deep inside he had hoped that Phil would stop looking for someone else and finally realise that Dan’s all he needs. The whimsical dream of ending this convoluted dance around commitment had finally felt attainable. 

At least, that’s what he thought ever since Christmas. Until tonight, when reality slapped him in the face in the form of a Thor lookalike.

He falls onto his bed face first. He could scream or maybe cry but he doesn’t. He just lies there for who knows how long. He can still hear them downstairs, Lee talking a bit to loudly and Phil’s beautiful laugh following suit.

The noises claw at his chest. If he screamed would Phil care? Would he come upstairs to see what’s wrong? Probably not. From the empty wine bottles in the kitchen to the laughter bouncing through the apartment, Dan really doubts that Phil would care. 

Unlike him, Phil doesn’t bottle up a thousand conflicting emotions whenever Dan brings someone else home. He probably wouldn’t even understand why he’s being torn up from the inside out. Friends with benefits has always been so easy for Phil; nothing but enjoyment. 

After what feels like hours, Dan rolls over and pulls out his phone. He sees a message from his hookup, a thank you for earlier. It’s sweet but it makes Dan’s stomach roll. 

He’s a fucking hypocrite for getting jealous over Lee. Not when he sucked off the first guy he found on Grindr just because he felt a bit lonely.

His thumb hovers over the app icon, tempted to try for round two. Maybe he could drown his emotions with sex, get out of the apartment for the night because he doesn’t want to hear Phil fuck. He doesn’t think he could handle hearing that.

He almost does but a knock on the door stops his impulsivity. 

“Dan?”

He doesn’t answer, he doesn’t need to.

Slowly, Phil opens the door just wide enough to slip inside. He shuts it softly and in the edge of his vision, Dan can see him hovering.

“How was dinner?” Dan asks, wiping as much emotion from his voice as possible. 

“Alright, nothing beats our stir fry though. You add a sauce that makes it so tasty.”

Dan smiles, just for a moment. “Oyster sauce.”

“Lee’s is still good, there are heaps leftover if you want some.”

“I’m not hungry.”

He can feel the tension that starts to fill up the room. Phil didn’t come upstairs to offer him food. There’s something else. There’s always something else with him. 

“What do you want, Phil?”

Phil crosses the room and is on top of him within moments. Dan doesn’t even have time to sit up before Phil’s on him, kissing him firmly.

He wants to push Phil away, he really does but he can’t find the power to do so. He has been craving Phil’s touch for a month and now he has it.

Before he can kiss back, Phil pulls away, face hovering mere inches from his, brows knotted.

“You taste like sex?”

His eyes go wide at Phil’s observation. The shame that has been bubbling up inside him comes to boiling point. He wishes he could evaporate and escape this. Escape the humiliation.

“What do you want?” Dan asks, voice squeaky.

“You,” Phil whispers, kissing him again. 

This time it’s slow, drawn out. He runs his tongue along Dan’s lips and he lets him in. He wants more of Phil, to feel him everywhere, close the gap between their bodies until they’re melted into one. As long as they’re kissing Dan can forget the mess they’re making. He can forget about the shame, forget about Lee, forget about the web of lies they live.

Phil doesn’t let him forget for long because his lips leave his in favour of peppering kisses along his jaw.

“Why do you taste like sex?”

_ Fuck. _

He could freak out, he wants to freak out but the jealousy that tugs at his chest is overpowering.

“Why do you care?”

“It’s not like you,” Phil says, lips hovering over his neck light enough to cause shivers to run down Dan’s spine.

“And it’s not like you to bring someone home,” He retorts.

Phil hums, “Touché.”

It feels nice to have Phil on top of him, wanting him, kissing him in the places that make him all tingly but it’s wrong. It’s so fucking wrong. Not when Phil’s new guy is still here.

It takes all his willpower to shove Phil off him and sit up, “Why the fuck are you here? You don’t want a bar of me for weeks but as soon as you bring your date home you’re all over me?”

Phil doesn’t respond. Instead, he sits up, pressing a thigh into Dan’s, not letting there be space between them. 

“When did you meet Lee? You don’t really bring first dates back,” Dan asks, afraid of the answer but needing it. He needs to know when Phil started dating again. To know when he became yet another afterthought. 

“Um, November I think?”

That makes Dan freeze, mind racing back to the Isle of Man when Phil last fell into bed with him. He shouldn’t be surprised, this is nothing new. They’ve slept together while with other people because, in Phil’s world, exclusivity is a foreign concept within every relationship. It just that most of his partners never know about it. 

“Jesus fucking Christ Phil,” Dan presses his hands into his eyes and falls back onto the bed. “Is he still downstairs?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Then why the fuck are you up here snogging me?”

Phil reaches out to grab his hand, “I needed to see what’s wrong.”

Dan scoffs, pulling his hand away. “You’re kidding right?”

“You were a bit off earlier.”

“Because you two were all over each other,” He looks down at his hands, not wanting to look Phil in the eye.

He can feel Phil’s gaze focused on him, “And why does that make you feel weird?”

“That doesn’t matter.”

There’s silence between them for a few moments, the room feels thick with tension. Dan wonders if Phil’s filling in the gaps. They never talk about their arrangement, not even when Dan’s hurting the most. He has always just suppressed it, ignoring all his emotions. 

He doesn’t want to do that anymore.

“Then why did you sleep with someone else?” Phil finally asks after the silence strings out too long.

That wasn’t the response he was expecting. Not even close. It feels like a slap in the face, a major flaw he can’t escape. 

The question feels accusation, “You can’t fucking ask me why I had sex with a stranger when you’re fucking someone too.”

“Do you even remember his name?”

“Fuck you.”

Phil sighs and rests a hand on his thigh, “Dan, I thought you were past all that?”

He doesn’t sound condescending but instead, he’s pitiful and that feels so much worse. He doesn’t want Phil’s pity. He wouldn’t need his pity if Phil took what they have seriously.

“Since when did you start caring about whose dick I suck,” Dan says, more of a statement than a question. 

“Dan I’m sorry I have no right to worry. I just...” Phil trails off, pressing his lips against Dan’s in a soft kiss. 

He melts because of course he fucking melts. Kissing Phil has always been one of his favourite activities but where it once used to be fun now it’s painful. It’s a reminder of why he’s wanting to stop in the first place. 

Dan breaks from the kiss and presses his forehead against Phil’s, “You can’t kiss me. Not now.”

“Why not?”

He whispers, nudging Phil’s nose with his own, “I’m not gonna help you cheat. Not again.”

“You fucked me last month,” Phil responds before trying to kiss him again but Dan breaks away fully. 

He doesn’t want to think about that. About how it felt different, that Phil actually wanted him. Oh, how delusional he had been. 

“I didn’t know about Lee,” Dan hisses. “You didn’t tell me about him!”

“If you knew about him back then would you have still had sex with me?”

The question stumps him. He wants to say  _ no  _ but he knows himself too well. That’s the thing with their agreement, fucking each other while seeing someone else just felt normal. It’s wrong. It hurts but Dan knows deep down that he would have probably still done it.

Phil knows that too, “We both know you’d say yes.”

It hurts. The reality of what they are hurts. He doesn’t want to be  _ the other man _ , or a casual fuck when Phil’s bored. He doesn’t want to be just some fun for Phil. It’s tearing him apart.

Dan shuffles down the bed, out of Phil’s reach, “Leave me alone Phil, go back out to your boyfriend.”

“Dan…” Phil reaches out for his arm but he shrugs him away. “I care for you. I don’t want us to fight.”

“Care for me?” Dan laughs bitterly. “If you cared for me Lee wouldn’t be downstairs. If you really fucking cared for me we wouldn’t be fuck buddies.”

His chest feels tight, heart pounding as all the emotions he kept bottled up for years finally spill. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” Dan says. “I’m sick of being used whenever you need me.”

“Why are you doing this now? After all these years why now?” Phil asks.

“I could ask you the same thing.” He sighs, thinking back to how Phil met Lee. “Grindr? What the fuck’s up with that?”

Phil doesn’t answer his question because of course he doesn’t. Nothing is ever that simple with him.

“I don’t use you,” Phil says no louder than a breath. 

He could laugh at how ridiculous Phil’s response is, “Explain you and me then? Explain the last ten years.”

“Dan what has gotten into you?”

“I-” He doesn’t know what to say. There’s so much to say, so much they’ve ignored. He wants to know answers to questions he doesn’t even know yet but there’s not enough time for that. 

He bites his lip, hesitating, “I don’t want to be friends with benefits anymore.”

Saying that feels scary, having his feelings finally verbalised.

Phil’s silent for a moment, looking at him, face void of expression. 

Nochalently, Phil replies, “We can just be friends. I’m okay with that.”

“You’re okay? What about me?” Dan’s voice hitches, surprised at how casually he responded.

“I’m confused,” Phil says. “What are you trying to say?”

“You know.”

“No Dan, I really don’t.”

He closes his eyes. The shame he felt earlier tonight has evolved into pain. Each beat of his heart feels sharp and each breath feels arduous.

He may be sick of what they are but that doesn’t stop the fact that he’s in too deep. He may not want Phil to use him whenever he’s bored but he doesn’t want to let go entirely. He can’t let go. It’s why he’s still here all these years later, even after all that’s said and done. 

“I can’t just be friends with you,” Dan sighs.

“But you don’t want us to fuck anymore?”

He can hear the confusion in Phil’s voice and he can feel tears begin to well. He puts his face in his hands, a vain attempt to hide his vulnerability, “I still want to have sex with you but I don't…I don't want us to fuck other people. And I thought that you were feeling the same but I guess not.”

He can feel Phil shuffle along the bed until he’s by his side again, “Dan…”

His pitying touch is the last thing Dan wants and when he feels Phil’s hand on his arm he recoils, lifting himself up off the bed and across the bedroom, as far from him as possible. 

“Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, staying on the bed.

“Sorry about what? Leading me along for all these years? Ruining all chances of being best friends forever just because you were horny in 2009 but didn’t want a boyfriend?”

“I was never-”

He doesn’t let Phil speak because he’s too afraid of what he might say, “You don’t just stay friends with benefits for a fucking decade. What did you think was gonna happen? You’d find a nice partner? That eventually you’ll settle down and maybe when you’re feeling bored you’d what? Come knocking on my door wanting me to suck your dick? I don't want that life.”

“What do you want?”

He wants a lot of things. He mainly wants Phil in a way that he’s been denied for so many years. He wants Phil forever, just the two of them. No competition, no jealousy, no more lying. He wants to be able to kiss him and know that the affection he feels goes both ways. 

He wants to be happy with the one person who brings him true happiness. It’s just that the person who makes him happy also brings him pain.

Instead of saying any of that, he says “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter Dan. Tell me.” 

He can’t tell him. He doesn’t know how. Right now there are no words that can sum up what he’s feeling. He’s in pain because what he has with Phil is shattered. He’s scared because he’s doing something he should have done years ago. He’s sad because Phil’s still his best friend despite all of this and he doesn’t know if that will remain after all is said and done.

Instead of finding inadequate words, he walks over to where Phil is and bends down. He cups Phil’s face between his hands and draws their mouths together. This kiss is different to the others they’ve shared tonight. This kiss holds emotion, all the pain that he feels and the unspoken love that fills him. It says more than any words he could have conjured and as he pulls away, he can see something within Phil change. 

Maybe he’s finally made Phil realise that there’s a lot more to their situation than just carefree sex. 

“Oh. Dan, I’m sorry.”

“Don't you dare be sorry for me,” Dan steps back, he doesn’t want to hear sorry. Sorry doesn’t fix anything. “Why is it so easy for you?”

“Easy?”

“Not feeling emotions.”

“I feel emotions.”

Dan scoffs, “Not the right ones obviously.”

“Is that what you think?”

“Remember Caitlin?” He doesn’t want to bring her up. He hasn’t even thought about her in so long but she is one of many exes that deserved better.

“That was years ago, Dan. Why do you have to bring her up?”

“To show you how fucked up we are.”

“You don’t have to,” Phil replies.

He doesn’t have to but he does it anyway, “Remember all those nights when you fucked her and as soon as she left you’d crawl into my bed, begging me to fuck you?”

“Dan,” Phil says, voice low.

He ignores him, “Some nights you didn’t even wait for her to leave. You’d sit all pretty on my dick even though she sat on yours just before that. Not just her, you did that with everyone and now you’re doing the same to Lee.”

“If you’re so unhappy with they way were are, why did you let it keep happening? Why keep fucking me if you didn’t like it?”

“That’s the thing. Why? Why didn’t I end this sooner? I thought I enjoyed it. For years I actually did enjoy it. And when it stopped being fun I didn’t end things. Because for some fucked up reason I’d rather be fuck buddies, and endure the heartbreak every time you’re with someone else than not have you at all.”

“Heartbreak,” Phil echoes.

“You’re finally catching up.”

“I thought what we had was good, so damn good. We work so well together,” Phil says.

They do. He’s right about that. Phil is his other half and that’s what makes all this hurt even more.

“There’s never a future in fuck buddies,” He says. 

“You’re my best friend,” Phil counters. “There’s a future in that.”

“You sure?” Dan asks. 

He wishes there was a future but you can’t let go ten years of benefits without paying the consequences. He can’t see any possibility of just friendship, even if Phil thinks otherwise, and that painful truth tugs at his heart.

“We’re not meant to be just friends,” He says. “I think you’ve known that from the beginning but you were too scared of commitment. What we have, beyond the sex and even beyond the friendship, is something so much more. That’s what makes all this so difficult.”

“We’re friends. Best friends,” Phil says, getting up off the bed. He reaches out to touch Dan’s arms and instead of pulling away he lets him. Craving Phil’s touch no matter how upset he is at him. It seems to be hardwired into Dan and he can’t be bothered fighting it right now.

“Friends don’t spend ten years fucking each other, not even best friends.”

He watches something within Phil’s eyes change as if the final puzzle piece clicked into place.

“What are we then? If not best friends?” Phil asks.

“I know what I want us to be but I don’t think it can happen” Dan whispers before pulling Phil into a hug. He can’t look at Phil right now because he’s scared of what he’ll see. He can’t look at rejection straight in the eyes.

Phil wraps his arms around him tightly, “I care about you. I care about you so fucking much.”

The sentiment is there but it feels hollow when compared to everything else. They’ve been through thick and thin together, of course he bloody cares but it isn’t what he wants to hear. He needs more than vacant reassurance.

“If you cared for me so much Lee wouldn’t be downstairs and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“I’m sorry Dan I’m sorry you feel like this but we can work something out,” Phil says, letting go of him.

Dan prickles, “Work out how to let me down easy? No thanks. For awhile I thought we were on the same page about our future but we’re at opposite ends of the book.”

They could spend all night circling around the inevitable, trading kisses for the painful truth until the sun creeps over the horizon. Dan can’t stay here and have his heart shredded up even more.

“I have to leave,” he pushes Phil away and walks to the door.

Behind him, Phil calls out, “Where are you going?”

He races to the stairs, not really knowing where he’s going but knowing he needs to escape, “To put an end to this.”

“To us?”  Phil asks, on his tail.

“If that’s what’s needed.”

He bounds down the stairs and reaches the entrance, picking his coat up from where he left it.

“Dan, please... I can’t lose you. I can’t lose my best friend,” Phil says with a desperation he hasn’t heard before. His chest hurts, that alone makes him want to stay but he knows it would be futile. Phil’s proven that nothing will change while everything’s still the same.

He shrugs his coat on, ignoring Phil. He can’t lose him either but they’re not going to find a conclusion like this. He needs some air, somewhere to cry or maybe even scream. 

“Please just stay and we can sort this out,” Phil says, almost pleading. 

He zips up his coat, using all his power not to let emotions seep into his words, “I can’t be your second choice. Not anymore.”

“You’ve never been my second choice.”

Dan wants to respond, list off every single time Phil’s chosen someone else. There are so many occasions that he doesn’t know where to start but he doesn’t need to. A third presence joins them in the hall, the person that sparked their unravelling tonight.

“What’s going on?” Lee asks, sounding a lot tipsier than he had earlier. 

Dan looks at Phil, raising a brow. Now’s his chance to properly make Phil see the mess he has made, “Are you going to tell him?”

Of course his response is not surprising, “There’s nothing to say.”

He sighs, “That’s fucking bullshit.”

“Tell me what?” Lee sounds confused and Dan can’t blame him. 

If tonight’s proven anything it’s that actions speak louder than words so he leans in for a kiss he knows he can’t have but takes anyway. He’s upset at Phil and his heart is moments away from shattering entirely but he needs the grounding touch of Phil’s lips on his. He needs to finally show someone else the truth. 

Maybe there is method to all this madness, a reason why tonight was the final straw. Maybe he needs to self destruct to be pieced back together again or maybe this was the end. He doesn’t know, and he won’t be able to unravel it at home.

He steps away, eyes finding Lee’s, contempt with shock on the strangers face. 

This all stops here. Finally. 

Dan needs to escape before the bomb he set down goes off. 

He looks Phil straight in the eyes, those beautiful eyes that hold so many conflicting emotions right now from confusion to worry to something else that Dan can’t decode.

“Goodbye, Phil.”

He slips out the door and almost runs, too afraid to look back or linger. He has just left the only person he cares about to deal with the consequences of not just the final kiss but everything that was said. 

There’s a pang in his chest. Well actually, there are a lot of pangs in his chest. So many painful emotions as the reality of what just happened catch up on him.

He makes it outside and the air is icy. He can feel his extremities go numb as he hails a cab. He doesn’t know exactly where to go but when asked for a destination, one place in particular comes to mind. The only place Phil wouldn’t think to find him. 

As he drives through London, he can’t help the tears that fall. It feels like a delayed reaction, they should have shown up the moment Phil walked into his room. All the feelings he unbottled tonight as well as the new ones he gained feel like they’re overflowing. Tonight he might have lost his best friend. And for what? Just because he wanted to change things? Because he can’t handle seeing Phil with anyone else? 

Right now he feels selfish but he knows that if he hadn’t of been he might not ever escape. Ten years of being friends with benefits is already ten years too long.

The cab pulls up in front of a familiar house, and he throws a note much greater than the fare, not caring about the change. Any driver who lets him cry in the back without questions deserves a generous tip.

He bounds up towards the front door, tears still running down his face.

Dan knocks on the front door, each knock rattling through him. He’s fragile, overflowing with emotions, uncertain of anything. 

As the knocks are met with no response he almost turns away but the door eventually opens and he’s greeted by the biggest ray of sunshine in his life.

Her red curls are a mess, there’s paint smeared on her cheeks and Cornelia’s beaming at him, oblivious to the storm that’s he’s about to unleash on her.

“Dan! What are you doing here? It’s late!”

He meets her smile with a sob. There’s no easy way to say it, the reasoning behind the mess that was tonight, all his jealousy and years of pining. He’s never told anyone before, not even himself but he can’t run from it any longer. Not after everything he said tonight.

“I’m in love with Phil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on [tumblr (scifiphan)](http://scifiphan.tumblr.com) or [rebloggu the post](https://scifiphan.tumblr.com/post/182711252801/pas-de-deux) uwu


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a long break between updates! life got v v busy w/ my 4th year of uni starting. finding a balance between uni and hobbies was a struggle! :o (also stanning loona happened lmao). i decided to split the final chapter into 2 bc of the length so the 4th and final part will be posted tomorrow! <3

Their house is a mess, plastic sheets covering carpet, paint smeared everywhere the eye can see and power tools littering every surface. They’ve been wanting to renovate for a while and Dan can’t help but be envious. He’s always wanted to create a home with the man he loves but right now, at this point in time, that dream feels impossible.

He’s sitting on their sofa nursing a glass of water. He feels dehydrated, his head all fuzzy and desperate for a drink, but his stomach has other plans. He can’t stomach anything that makes him feel better right now. He doesn’t deserve to feel better.

Cornelia’s watching him like he’s an injured animal, her eyes following his every movement. He knows she won’t give up until he’s finished the glass, but he can’t. Not right now. His insides are too numb to even take a sip.

Instead, in a weak and shaky voice, he pulls out the small talk.

“Renovations are coming along nicely.”

It’s a piss poor follow up to his declaration of love, but he doesn’t know where to begin. There’s so much going on in his head, so many conflicting thoughts screaming at each other.

“Almost finished the kitchen, can’t wait to properly cook again,” She replies, taking him up on the small talk.

He’s thankful. He’s always been so thankful for Cornelia. She’s always been so kind to him, even when he hasn’t deserved it. She’s like rays of sunshine that break through the clouds on stormy days; beautiful, full of hope and welcome warmth.

“Going to do this room next? Curtains are looking a bit drab,” He says, nodding slightly at the faded burgundy curtains that look out of place amongst all the fresh renovations.

She nods, “Thinking about pulling up the carpet because the floorboards in this place are gorgeous.”

“Bit cold in winter,” He says nonchalantly.

He watches Cornelia look at him and then the untouched glass of water, “Do you want tea? Coffee?”

“Got anything stronger?” He forces a smirk, even though he knows that he wouldn’t be able to down anything.

She shuffles closer to him, not close enough to touch but close enough that he can feel her presence, “Want to talk about it? Or do you just need a place to stay?”

“Yes.”

“To what one?”

He bites on his bottom lip, hoping to feel a sharp pang but instead feeling nothing but dullness, “Both but I don’t really know what to say.”

She reaches out, placing one of her delicate hands on his. The size comparison is ridiculous, she’s like a doll, the span of her hand barely covering half of his palm.

“Take your time sweetheart,” She says quietly, her voice as melodic as a songbird. “The guest bedroom is a mess right now, but I can get you blankets for the sofa.”

“Sofa’s comfier than the poor excuse of guest bed we have,” A familiar voice responds before he can get a chance.

Dan snaps his head up, eyes wide, unsure of how to react to Martyn. Unlike Corn, who has always welcomed him with open arms, Martyn is a different story. Their history has been precarious, suffering due to the mess that was his and Phil’s relationship.

Martyn hasn’t always been his biggest fan and Dan has never been able to blame him. He wouldn’t be his biggest fan either after years and years of lying.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says, forcing words to come out when silence in the room strung out a few moments too long.

They’re somewhat amicable now, at least he thinks they are. Dan’s never sure what side Martyn’s on, sometimes Phil’s and sometimes his. He hopes that tonight will be the latter.

Martyn sits down on the loveseat across from him, “Mate don’t be.”

He sounds calm which is surprising. Of course, he hadn’t expected anger, but it hadn’t been an impossibility. They’ve had their fair share of fights, mostly about Phil. It’s always about fucking Phil. He’s the one constant of his life that seems to be a catalyst to everything.

“Should have listened to you years ago.”

Dan can still remember their first fight when he was still so young, back when his fashion sense was questionable, and his hair had been ruined with straighteners.

He and Phil were young and dumb, and back then their agreement was still a novelty. Each time together had still felt fun with no strings attached. They had been visiting Phil’s parents in Rawtenstall and even though it had been a full house they still took a risk, sneaking off to Phil’s room for a cheeky blowjob.

It had been reckless; Phil’s door didn’t even have a lock but back then they didn’t care. They didn’t know the risks of their actions. At least they didn’t until they did.

All it took was for the doorknob to turn and for Martyn to expose the truth, to put them under the spotlight unable to hide for any longer.

He can still feel the way Martyn had pinned him against a wall when the house was empty save for the two of them. Years later his words still echo around his head, harsh and bitter, telling him to get out of Phil’s life forever.

If only he listened to Martyn back then instead of being stubborn.

“You can’t change the past,” Martyn sighs.

You can’t.

Dan knows that. He knows that all too well. The past can’t be rewritten and he’s facing the consequences of that right now. If he could change the past, he wouldn’t be sitting here on the verge of breaking into tears.

“I thought things were changing between us… I thought he wanted a relationship,” Dan mumbles.

He hasn’t even explained what happened tonight, but he can’t get to that just yet. It’s too raw, too confusing.

“You two were going well last time I saw you,” Cornelia says in a way that’s more of a statement than a question

He looks at her, brows furrowing, trying to work out when that would be. They had been drifting apart all month which means— “That was Christmas, right? Yeah, things were good then.”

So good. Too good. Dan knows that now.

“What changed?”

He shrugs, “That’s a good question.”

Her guess is as good as his. Tonight, Phil hadn’t given him any clarity. If anything, it had led to more confusion, more entanglement, more of everything he didn’t want.

Across from him, Martyn sighs, “My brother can be a right old twat.”

“Yeah.”

They fall into silence. No one knowing what to say because there’s so much to cover. Too much. There’s ten years of fucked up morals to unravel and all of tonight’s events to comprehend. Dan doesn’t even know where to begin. He had left Phil there, at their apartment, with a boyfriend who had seen them kiss and the weight of tonight’s actions on his shoulders.

Does Phil even care that he’s gone? That he’s hurting? That everything he said earlier had just torn up his tattered heart even more. Old wounds had been cut wide open and Dan’s heart bled out before his very eyes. Does Phil even know?

All these arbitrary questions whirl in his head and he wants them to stop. To shut up. He wishes his mind was numb like his body but it’s everything but. All these questions, so loud, screaming at him from the inside are so distracting that he doesn’t even realise he’s crying. Not until Cornelia’s arm is around him and she’s holding a tissue out for him to take.

“It’s okay dear,” Cornelia says, wrapping him into a hug.

“I’m sorry,” He replies, folding into her arms as much as he can despite their size difference.

She’s warm, like the sunshine she truly is. So golden and full of love he doesn’t deserve but is getting whether he wants it or not. Not only is she warm but she’s grounding, enough distraction to quieten all the shouting in his head.

“We’ve never pried too far into you guys, not our place, but I know you two care about each other a lot,” Martyn says when he pulls away from the hug.

Maybe, if it was any other time and if his world wasn’t ending, Dan would debate Martyn’s definition of ‘never pried too far’ but now’s not the time and place. Instead, he fixates on another word that sticks out like a sore thumb.

“Care? I don’t think Phil got that memo.”

Beside him, Cornelia hums as if surprised by his response, “What brought you here tonight?”

He looks at her, like properly looks at her. He’s confused by the question. She knows why. It’s the first thing he said upon her opening the door.

“Didn’t know who else to turn to,” He shrugs. “You’re the only people who know about us. Sometimes I wish you didn’t know but I’m glad about it now.”

He pauses, not wanting to relive the pain from earlier but he has to.  

“Tonight, I came home to Phil with a date. I know I have no right to get angry because we’re not exclusive, but it hurt. It fucking hurts seeing him with someone else.”

He can feel tears begin to well, and he wants to cry. Just the thought of Phil with Lee makes him want to curl up into a ball and cry until there are no tears left.

“What did you do when you saw them?” Cornelia asks, her words so gentle and Dan’s thankful. He’s always so fucking thankful for her love and he’s especially thankful now.

“Sulked like I always do. Felt sorry for myself until Phil came into my room wanting a snog, acting as if his… boyfriend wasn’t downstairs,” He says, voice starting out strong but wavering as tears began to blur his vision.

He pauses for a moment, swiping a tissue to get rid of the tears that would most definitely reappear soon enough.

“The weird part wasn’t even the cheating. I’ve been the other man countless times. It was the kissing. We don’t really kiss beside when we…” He pauses, not wanting to be vulgar. “… so, having him kiss me has really fucked me up.”

“It’s okay,” Cornelia says, placing a hand on his arm.

He knows she means it’s okay if he cries but he can’t help but link it to the situation.

“It’s not,” He counters. “Nothing about what we are is okay and it’s shit. It’s proper shit.”

“Why did you let it go on for so long?” Martyn asks.

Dan looks over at him, meeting his eyes for the first time tonight. They’re so much like Phil’s, so full of emotion yet always unreadable. It must be a Lester thing.

“Why did I let it go on for so long?” He asks, his voice so quiet. There’s a lot of reasons why but one sticks out more than the rest. It’s the reason that tonight hurt him so much.

“I was so young when we met, and it makes me scared — a life without Phil — because I can’t remember what life is like without him. I don’t think I can live life without him. That’s why I let this happen for so long. It’s fucked up, I know. Like it’s a big red flag telling me that I should leave, stop putting myself through this pain but I can’t. He’s my everything but I don’t know if he realises, I’m his everything too.”

He’s crying again and there’s no use trying to stop it. There are so many tears welling up inside him. So much pain he bottled up for so many years. It feels strange, telling someone, allowing some of the thoughts that fill his brain to pour out into the world.

“I’ve loved him for so long,” He continues. “I ignored it for years, not realising how serious it was until I was too deep. I let it destroy me inside out and now I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it.”

He’s sobbing now. Proper sobbing and he crumples forwards only to have Cornelia bundle him up again.

“I wish I could take away the pain, but I can’t,” She says, rubbing his back in circles.

His heart feels exposed, cut open and torn apart. The words I won’t do it rattle in his head as he cries in her arms.

They stay like that for a while, the three of them in silence save for the sobs that claw out of him. He’s never been this defeated in front of other people, maybe not even in front of Phil.

“None of us can change the past but we can change the future,” Cornelia says when his eyes have run dry.

“Does changing the future mean leaving Phil?” He asks in a voice barely stronger than a whisper.

She shrugs slightly, “That’s up to you two to decide, dear.”

He sighs. Corn’s right, it’s up to him and Phil.

There’s so much more he wants to say, so many questions he wants to be answered but his heart is fragile, and his eyes are heavy from all the cry. He just wants to curl up and sleep in the hope that tomorrow is a better day. Maybe this is all a bad dream. He knows it isn’t, but he can always hope.

“All this crying has made me exhausted,” He mumbles, mustering a tiny smile.

“You should get some sleep,” Cornelia lean’s over, planting a gentle kiss on his temple before getting up. “I’ll go get you some pyjamas to sleep in.”

“My brother can be pretty thick at times. Especially when it comes to relationships. He’s scared of them and I know that doesn’t excuse how he’s treated you for years but… don’t give up on him. Somehow, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Phil and I just wish he understood that.,” Martyn says as Cornelia leaves the room.

Dan blinks surprised at what he just said. It’s rare to hear him speak of him in such a positive light, almost unheard of.

“Who are you and what have you done with Martyn?”

He grins, “You two can be great together I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.”

There’s no point in denying it, Dan knows that better than anyone, “We’re best friends for a reason.”

“But you can’t just be best friends,” Martyn replies, not asking a question because he doesn’t need to. Dan being here right now instead of at home is answer enough.

He shakes his head, “We never have been.”

Martyn leans over, extending his hand and Dan takes it, shaking awkwardly because his hands are trembling. Handshakes have never been his thing.

“You’re a good man Daniel,” Martyn says with a tight-lipped smile.

He leaves him then, alone in the living room. Cornelia will be back in a moment with blankets and clothes and probably more water that he probably won’t drink but for now, he’s alone with just his mind.

That’s a scary thought, being alone with just himself, but he’s too drained to think. His mind is finally as numb as his body and that’s okay for now. He’s certain there’s going to be a lot of emotional hurdles he’ll have to face tomorrow or the next day but right now, he’s just happy to close his eyes and embrace the welcome void of sleep.

—

Maybe it’s the sun the spills through the windows, the smell of tea, or the hammering that wakes him up the next morning. He keeps his eyes closed for as long as possible, not wanting to return to reality.

His head hurts a fucking lot. It feels like a sledgehammer is banging at the back of his skull, his bodies punishment from neglecting to drink.

He groans and tries to stretch out his body. Long limbs feel tense after hours of being in the same position. He can’t even remember falling asleep last night. He had closed his eyes and now he’s here; awake and having to face reality.

“Hiya sleepy head.”

Corn’s singsong voice is what fully pulls him out from the haze of sleep. He cracks his eyes open, just enough to see her perched on the end of the sofa by his feet with a cup of tea in her hand.

“What time is it?”  He asks, sitting up only to hiss as a sharp pain shoots down his neck. He’s too tall to pass out on sofas.

“A little past 10.”

“Shit I slept in.”

“You needed it. Tea?” She reaches over, handing him the cup.

He takes it and sips, relishing instant satisfaction of caffeine, “Thanks.”

They’re silent for a few moments while Dan downs the tea. It’s still a bit too hot but he doesn’t mind burning his tongue. After last night, he needs the sugary beverage.

When he has drained the cup of every last drop, Cornelia asks, “How are you?”

“Terrible.”

No use in sugar coating it. Everything still feels like utter shit.

“I don’t blame you. It isn’t exactly a situation anyone should have to experience,” She replies with a frown.

Dan turns to her, shuffling closer so he can whisper. After last night, and talking to the two of them, more questions than answers seem to have surfaced. He feels overwhelmed, unsure of what to do and in times like this he needs Corn’s advice. She always knows what to say, even if he doesn’t like it. It’s what he wanted last night but was too upset to get.

“I’m scared.”

“Of?”

“The possibility of losing him. Or even more so, the obvious logic behind why I should leave.”

Cornelia reaches out to take his hand, “No relationship is perfect. There is a lot of damage between you and maybe most people would tell you to go but… the past is the past. Now’s your chance to right the wrongs.”

“What if he doesn’t want to?” He asks. It’s the fear that claws at him endlessly. It’s the fear that practically became reality last night.

She chews on her bottom lip for a few moments, a telltale sign that she’s weighing up what to say, “Tell me, why was kissing your breaking point?”

“We don’t kiss.”

“Like ever?”

“Never. Not until…”

He trails off. The last time they kissed was last night but before that it was Christmas. That kiss had shaken things up. It was the first time they had kissed without the intention of fucking since the very early days of whatever the fuck they are.

“Christmas,” He continues after the pause. “You all went out for a bit and well, one thing led to another. Except afterwards he kissed me. He never kisses me after sex. Why would he do that?”

“And then last night?”

He sighs, “That’s definitely never happened. It was so different and that freaked me out. Why would he do that? Kiss me when his boyfriend is downstairs? It doesn’t make sense. I thought the first kiss meant that he was ready to choose me but all he did was use me to cheat.”

“He was seeing someone before Christmas?” She asks, sounding more shocked than he expected.

“Yeah,” Dan takes a deep breath. It’s too early to cry but if anything was to make him cry, it’s this. “Lee, the guy he was with last night.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugs, “You shouldn’t be. I’ve done the same to my exes. That’s what’s so screwed up about us. We always ended up in bed together no matter if we were single or dating. I wanted him and I thought he wanted me.”

“He wouldn’t kiss you if he didn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your situation isn’t normal. It’s nowhere near normal,” She says. “I don’t think I could compare you to anyone else because there’s no one. But from what you’ve said and what I know, I think Phil does want you. You two have been trapped for so long that neither of you knows how to escape it but if he truly didn’t want you as more than a friend, he wouldn’t have kissed you.”

Dan stares at her, trying to make sense of what she just said. The logic checks out, of course, it does, it’s Cornelia after all. Except for one big roadblock; what Phil said last night.

He can vividly remember how nonchalantly Phil said they could just be friends. He had been so casual, so unphased and that felt like a splinter in his heart.

“He told me he could just be friends.”

Corn sighs, “Lester men are very dumb. Trust me, I’m stuck with one.”

He can’t help but smile, “Are you saying that I have a chance?”

“I’m saying that you shouldn’t give up. I’ve seen the way Phil looks at you when he thinks no one’s looking. He looks at you as if you’re his world and you look at him the same. I’ve never seen him look at any of his exes like that. Not even close.”

That makes his heart ache. Not in a bad way but it aches nonetheless. It makes last night hurt more, the confusion of it all still clouds the hope that might exist.

“Thank you,” He whispers, leaning over to kiss Corn’s cheek and then pull her into a hug.

“Remember Cairns?” She asks as they pull away.

“That week was lovely,” He muses.

He remembers it so well. Their little holiday amongst the tour chaos. He can remember the warm nights amongst the rainforest and how night after night he fell into bed with Phil, carefree and content. After months of having watchful eyes on them and the temptation of one night stands, it had been so refreshing to just be themselves even if what they were wasn’t conventional. 

“You two were inseparable. All over each other much to our surprise but you were both so happy.”

“You’re just saying that just because we fucked a lot,” Dan replies before he can think.

Cornelia’s eyes go wide, “I’m being serious! That’s why I was so shocked to see you last night. I thought you two had finally gotten together and just hadn’t told us. The way you two were on holiday and during Christmas, I just thought…”

“I thought that too.”

She reaches up to pinch his cheek. He usually hates when people do that but for Cornelia, he can always make an exception.

“You may be aware that you love him but I’m not so sure Phil realises. At least, not until now.”

“You think he loves me?”

Phil loving him? Sounds fake. There’s no way Phil could love him but keep him at arm's length for this long. Dan’s heart aches at the thought of Phil loving him. It just doesn’t sound plausible.

“He’s been worried all morning trying to find you,” She says. Maybe it’s in correlation to her previous statement. Maybe not.

“Does he know I’m here?” He asks, slightly worried at the prospect. The questions that whirled around his head last night return only to be defeated. Did Phil even care that he’s gone? He must have if he rang.

“Yeah,” Cornelia replied. “Kept ringing Martyn at all hours of the morning worried sick.”

That makes his heart sink as guilt grabs hold of him. No matter how hurt he may be and how shattered his love may feel, he doesn’t want Phil to be worried.

“I guess it’s time to go home,” Dan sighs, standing up off the sofa.

Cornelia follows suit and he can’t help but smile at their drastic height difference. He’s always been amused at how she doesn't even reach his chest.

“Not without a shower and breakfast first. You look like you need it,” She says. “The bathroom’s the only untouched part of the house so I can guarantee that your shower will be sawdust and paint free.”

“What about breakfast?”

She grins, “How does paint instead of maple syrup sound?”

He chuckles but it’s quickly replaced by a question that has been looming over his head for years and may probably never leave him.

“Corn?”

“Yeah?”

“What happens if it doesn’t work out?”

She looks up at him, her green eyes usually so full of happiness look sad, even if just for a moment, “No matter what, you’ll always be family.”

It may not have been the answer he wanted but it’s the answer he needs. There are so many uncertainties he’s about to face and there’s so much fear bubbling away inside him. He’s stuck in limbo right now, unsure about his future and what part Phil has in it.

There are so many possible outcomes, many of them including heartbreak. That scares him. Pains him. It makes everything that happens the moment he walks out the door utterly frightening. Except, no matter what happens, Corn’s still family and for now that’s all the reassurance he needs to face his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](http://scifiphan.tumblr.com) (scifiphan)!  
> [(reblog the post)](https://scifiphan.tumblr.com/post/183672916666/pas-de-deux)


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final part is _finally_ here!! thank you so much for being _immensely_ patient throughout all my delays ilu all and tbh without y'alls encouragement i would never have gotten this done,, so thank u so much for just being rad n stuff :3

Dan turns his keys in the door, the sound of an opening lock sounds deafening in the otherwise empty hallway. He hesitates, not wanting to open the door but knowing it’s inevitable. Last time he was here, standing outside of their apartment, his entire world had flipped. Now, it was about to flip again. Like the sides of a coin, there are only two ways it could go but he doesn’t know what one it will be. 

Heads or tails. 

Phil or no Phil. 

It’s impossible to know what side the coin will land but he knows what outcome he wants. 

The apartment is silent when he opens the door. There’s no sound of the TV, music, or even anyone walking about. It’s well past midday now, maybe Phil’s gone out? The thought of that sends fear throughout him, prickling his skin. What if Phil’s at Lee’s?

He walks up the stairs quietly, making sure each footstep is as light as possible. The silence feels so fragile he’s almost too afraid to break it. Even breathing feels like it’s too loud in here. It’s so quiet that a part of him wants to go to his room and hide, pretend that he’s not here and escape the inevitable. A big part of him wants to do that but he knows he can’t. Even if he is just home alone he can’t.

He turns into the living room, not expecting to find Phil but instead becoming frozen in his tracks. 

There he is, curled up on the sofa with both earphones in watching something intently on his laptop. 

The sight of Phil makes his heartache, just a little bit. Seeing him like that, so casual in their home has always made Dan smile and by the end of today, he may never get to see him like that again. 

That thought’s scary but it’s the risk he has to take. 

He must look ridiculous just standing there, gawking at Phil and he doesn’t go unnoticed. Phil looks over at him, eyes wide in shock as he takes his earphones out.

“Dan?”

He sounds nervous and Dan definitely wasn’t expecting that. He also wasn’t expecting the way he looks worried. Phil’s looking at him as if he’s a wounded animal, just like Cornelia had and that sends a sharp pain right into his heart. He never wanted Phil to be worried, no matter how shattered he feels.

Phil closes his laptop and sets it aside. For a moment he thinks that Phil’s getting up to come to him but he makes no move to get off the sofa. He just sits there, staring at him and Dan stares back. He doesn’t know what to do or where to begin. Should he talk? yell? Beg Phil to explain himself? Tell him it’s over for good? Ask if they even have a chance?

There are so many options spinning around inside his head while they remain frozen, just staring at each other. Dan’s too distracted by all the possibilities that he doesn’t even realise he’s walking until he feels the sofa beneath him and Phil’s face is so incredibly close to his.

Dan’s in Phil’s personal space now, body pressed against his and noses almost touching. Usually when they’re this close the air around them is so sexually charged but now that couldn’t be anywhere further from the truth.

Phil’s eyes are still wide and trained on him. Usually, Dan can never unravel what emotions lay behind those eyes but now sees all of them. Phil’s scared too, terrified, and he doesn’t know why but he wants to find out.

Dan’s vision blurs then, tears roll down his cheeks before he can even have the chance to hold them back. Seeing Phil scared doesn’t feel right. He’s always been the one to stay strong even during their darkest days. They’ve been through thick and thin together and never has he looked at Phil and seen fear. 

Phil pulls him close and he burrows his head into the crook of Phil’s neck so his shirt can muffle the small sobs that spill from him. He feels a hand card through his curls before stroking the short hair at the nape of his neck. The action always soothes him, Phil knows that. Dan wraps an arm around Phil’s waist, pulling himself as close to Phil as he possibly can, not wanting even a millimetre of space between them. 

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel Phil this closely again and even though his heart is aching, he doesn’t want to let Phil go so he doesn’t. 

Dan doesn’t pull away until Phil’s shirt is soaked and his sobs are nothing but sniffles. He looks up to see that Phil’s eyes are wet too so he swipes the pad of his thumb on Phil’s cheek, wiping away the tears.

He’s done more than enough crying for the two of them in the last twelve hours alone. He doesn’t want to cry, or see Phil cry until all is said and done. Even then he doesn’t want to but their future is uncertain, tears resurface no matter what happens.

“Do you wanna go for a walk?” Phil asks no louder than a whisper.

Phil knows him too well. Even if they’ve been absolutely shit at communication over the last decade, he still knows that a walk does Dan a world of wonder, especially if a hard decision has to be made.

“Please,” He replies.

His hand lingers on Phil’s cheek, not wanting to let go, but Phil gets up, untangling himself from Dan.

Phil extends a hand to help him up.

“That’s Martyn’s shirt,” He states before adding quietly, “I was worried.”

It’s strange to think that Phil was worried. It doesn’t entirely make sense to him. Maybe it will after they walk when his head isn’t foggy from crying. Phil wasn’t worried for all those years when Dan was heartbroken every time he chose someone else so what changed? 

He doesn’t go swap into fresh clothes before leaving their apartment. He doesn’t really want to let Phil out of his sight right now so he follows him down the stairs and out the door. 

It’s sunny today, the sky a baby blue and devoid of clouds. It isn’t that warm though, despite the golden sun that hangs above their hands. Maybe he should have grabbed his coat before leaving but they’re already on the street and Dan would rather feel chilly than lose sight of Phil for a few moments.

They don’t walk in any particular direction because there is no end destination. They could walk around the park in circles if they really wanted to until the everything he wants to say can finally be said. Except today they don’t choose to do laps around the park. Instead, they turn up the street that’s full of people on the pavement and vehicles rushing down the road. Maybe the chaos around them might help calm his mind or maybe it will make it worse, not allow him to find the clarity he needs to face their future. 

They walk for what feels like an hour, turning corners every now and again, sometimes pausing to look in shop windows or cross to the opposite side. All the while they don’t talk, not even a single word. 

He catches Phil sneak a glance at him a few times and each one hammers another nail into his heart. He can feel the worry emanate from Phil and he can see the way his brows knit together just slightly, enough to make Dan know Phil’s thinking about him.

He’d let the silence stretch out for longer, he wouldn’t mind, but he spots something new that hadn’t existed the last time he walked down this street. It’s a little cafe, nothing more than a glorified hole in the wall, but the inside looks like it’s full of plants and a hipster's wet dream.

“There’s a new cafe open,” He says, pointing over to the hole in the wall.

“We should try it out sometime,” Phil replies. “I like all the plants.”

Dan smiles. 

“We,” he says under his breath before adding a bit louder, “I’d like that.”

The fact that Phil just said we and said it in regards for the future glue a few pieces of his shattered heart back together. It’s so small, some could say trivial, but to him, it was so promising, far away than the lost cause of last night.

They turn a corner and Dan can feel that they’ve reached the midway part of their walk. Not just because they’re heading back in the direction they came but because of that little piece of shining hope that had sparked within that one little word.

Maybe, just maybe, he’ll get to hold Phil again.

The longer they walk the deep-rooted tension between them seems to dissipate. The fog that had taken hold of his head was starting to lift and he doesn’t know if it’s because of the fresh air, the mild exercise, or just being next to Phil. 

“If I ask to hold your hand will you let me?”

Phil’s question comes as a surprise. He looks over at Phil, not entirely sure if he heard him right. 

He did hear him correctly because Phil’s next to him, arm outstretched and waiting for him to take hold of his hand.

“Why do you want to do that?” He asks, voice coming out quieter than expected.

Instead of explaining, Phil just says, “Will you?”

He looks around, there are a few people in this street, most of them with their eyes glued to phones or not looking their way. Even still, it’s risky. Dan can count on one hand the number of times they’ve shown affection around other people.

“We might be seen.”

Phil shrugs, “Do you care?”

Does he? A big part of him is saying to not take it, to play it safe but another part of him yearns to grab hold of Phil. He wants any part of Phil he can get not just because of how their future’s uncertain but because little things like this give him a little bit of hope. It might mean something, it might not. There’s only one way to find out.

So he takes it, entwining their fingers together and relishing how good Phil’s hand feels in his. 

Phil’s looking at him, a tiny smile pulling at his lips. It should make Dan feel all warm inside but despite all the hope that fills him right now, it still hurts.

Why hadn’t he done this sooner?

They remain hand in hand as they walk, not caring if they’re other people around them who might give them funny looks or recognise their faces. They’re so much risk in holding hands, not just from strangers but also themselves.

“I’m sorry for making you worried last night,” Dan says, leaning into Phil’s side. 

It’s not a lie, he truly is sorry for the way last night played out. He knows he’s not the sole cause but it’s the least he can do. Even if he’s not sorry for his feelings, he’s sorry that it even had to happen in the first place.

“Don’t apologise,” Phil replies. “You don’t owe me an apology.”

“What happened after I left?”

Phil hesitates before replying, chewing at his bottom lip.

“I told Lee the truth and I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of him again.”

He smiles, “Good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah,” Dan says before slipping his hand out of Phil’s. 

Knowing that Lee is one less hassle to worry about washes some relief over him. There’s still so much to sort out, answers to be discovered, but knowing that for once Phil told his partner the truth? That’s different. He’s never done that before.

“We have a lot to talk about,” Phil says after they walk in silence for a bit. 

“I know,” He replies. They do have a lot to talk about. There’s so much he needs to hear but he’s not fully ready yet, not until they’re home. “For now can we just walk?”

Phil nods before replying quietly, “Anything for you.”

The rest of the walk is calming. Just having Phil beside him, no anger or pain between them, just comfortable silence with the one other person on this planet who he’s comfortable around despite everything. 

He’s nervous about the conversation that is looming over them like a storm cloud because he knows it’s inescapable. Not that he wants to escape it, he just doesn’t want to know the outcome if it’s bad.

They’re close to their apartment when a question sneaks into his head that he cannot shake. It has been on his mind since Cornelia brought it up.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Phil stops in his tracks then.

“What time are you asking about?”

What time? That hurts a little bit, knowing that Phil’s aware that an action that shouldn’t hold all this weight is so pivotable between them.

“Last night,” Dan says. “I still don’t get it.”

“Can this wait until we’re home? It’s just around the corner,” Phil asks, sounding worried.

It’s one of many skeletons in their closet and he so desperately wants to know but Phil’s right, they’re close to home. It can wait for a few more minutes.

Phil turns his keys in the door and Dan hopes it’s the last time he has to stand in the hallway with unanswered questions running through his head. 

They naturally end up in the kitchen because for some unknown reason Phil thinks that every important conversation must happen here. They planned their tour in this kitchen, planned the future of their careers, and now they’re here to see if their future is together or apart.

Phil gravitates to the kettle, pulls out two cups and the instant coffee crap he still insists on drinking. 

Dan leans against the island. Now that they’re home with no distractions and the inevitable upon them, Dan takes the chance to try opening the can of worms again.

“You didn't answer my question.”

Phil doesn’t turn around, “I don't know how.”

“Try to. Please.”

He doesn’t reply straight away. Instead, he waits for the kettle to boil and makes both of them coffee before leaning on the island next to him.

“I’m not good with words. I couldn't say what I wanted to so I did the next best thing.”

How honest Phil sounds throws Dan off guard for a moment. He’s so used to Phil being aloof, impenetrable, and now Dan’s finally reached the moment when Phil’s guard is finally easing up.

“You can tell me now,” Dan says, reaching over to lace their fingers together. 

He gives Phil’s hand a gentle squeeze, a sign that he’s okay with the truth. He might not actually be okay with it but for now, to hear Phil be as honest as possible, he needs to pretend that his honesty won't hurt. 

“I’m still not very good with words. Or with feelings. I-” He stops before finishing the sentence.

Dan squeezes his hand again, reassuringly, “I need to know, Phil.”

“You already know,” He whispers.

“Do I?” He asks. “I need to hear it.”

There are so many different sentences jumping around his mind right now, so many scenarios are springing to life and either breaking his heart or mending it. He has no fucking clue what it could be, despite Phil being so sure he does. If he knew they wouldn’t be here right now. 

“Why did you kiss me last night?” He asks again.

Phil looks at him and then their hands entwined together.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” He says before he can even process what Phil said.

He’s processing it now though. Love? What the actual fuck? Out of all the possible scenarios that had been inside his head none of them had even come close to the three little words that he had been deprived of for so long.

Dan doesn’t know how to react, he doesn’t know if he can. He came home afraid that they had no future because Phil could never love him. But now? Now Phil’s sitting next to him saying he does. 

He should be happy. Deep down he is. But on the surface, right here at2 this moment, he is frozen out of fear. It’s not the fear of losing Phil but instead, it’s the fear of what the fuck does this mean.

Phil must notice he’s frozen because he squeezes his hand gently and asks,  “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan replies unconvincingly. “I guess I wasn’t expecting to ever hear you say that.”

“Didn’t expect to ever say it,” Phil shrugs.

Phil’s nonchalance is what makes reality hit him like a brick.

This is real. This is actually happening. Phil loves him and for some fucked up reason, he never thought to say it earlier. Tears well in his eyes. He presses his hands to his eyes in an effort to stop him from crying but it’s useless.

“We’re so screwed up,” He sighs

“Come here,” Phil pulls him into a hug and Dan doesn’t resist. He clings onto Phil, holding him as close as he physically can. 

Now he’s scared for different reasons. Before it was because he could lose Phil but now it’s because of how fucked up all of this is. Now there are even more unanswered questions than before and he’s scared of what it all means. If Phil loves him then why were Lee and all his other partners a thing? Why weren’t they exclusive if the feelings were mutual? Of course, he already knows the answer to the latter. They may have had mutual feelings but they were both mutually dumb, unaware that the love is reciprocated. 

Dan steps out of the embrace after what felt like forever. He can’t bring himself to look Phil in the eyes just yet. Instead, he grabs his coffee and takes a sip. It’s still way too hot and tastes like shit but he needs something to distract him even if it’s only for a moment.

Phil does the same, taking small sips from his mug as if he’s waiting for Dan to speak. For so long their dynamic had always been Phil taking the lead so it feels kinda strange to be one able to make the first move. 

When his mug is drained of every last drop of acrid coffee, Dan asks, “Why did you date Lee if you felt like that?”

Same reason as your hookups. To forget,” Phil replies without hesitation.

_ To forget. _

Bringing up his hookups almost feels like a slap in his face. It’s a big reminder that he’s not perfect either but he’s more interested in the second part.

“But why do you want to forget so badly?”

Dan did hookup to forget. Not to forget he was in love but because he wanted to forget that he’s nothing more than an easy fuck for Phil. He used to drown himself with dating apps and one night stands in an effort to forget. 

He knows why he did it but he needs to know what part about all this mess that Phil wanted to forget about.

Phil contemplates his answer before replying, “I tried to forget because pretending to not love you was, in my opinion, better than the possibility of losing you.”

He reaches out to stroke Dan’s cheek and it sends a shiver down his spine. Phil cups his jaw, tilting his head up just enough that Dan has no choice but to look at him. 

Phil’s eyes are wet and he looks afraid. He rests his thumb along Dan’s bottom lip and Dan kisses it lightly. 

Phil continues, voice no louder than a breath, “It just took me until last night to realise that I could lose you no matter what.”

That breaks Dan. It truly breaks him. Not just because Phil’s hurting, but because it took him until the possibility of them ending to realise that they’re so much more than casual sex. 

“How long?” Dan croaks out, trying not to cry again.

Phil narrows his brows, “What do you mean?”

“How long have you loved me?”

He watches something inside Phil break as he asks the question.

Phil’s caresses his cheek softly, “I don’t know if I should say.”

“Why?”

“Because the answer might hurt you. I’m sick of hurting you.”

“I think we’re past hurting, don’t you think?”

Phil stares at him for what feels like forever and his entire body is trembling with fear. He doesn’t know if he wants to know the answer but he needs to.

“That night, when we went to the abandoned hospital. Do you remember?”

He nods, “Could never forget.”

“You wore the hat. I loved that hat. And we laid in the snow and kissed until we were numb. I fell in love with you then, Dan.”

That was so long ago but it almost feels like another lifetime but that’s not even the part that rips open his heart. Phil’s loved him from the very beginning, all the way back when they were young and dumb. Phil was in love before Dan even realised that he might possibly be in love with Phil too.

Ten years. Ten whole fucking years of Phil loving him but Dan never knew and that breaks him. It feels like they wasted an entire decade and Dan knows they didn’t. The years haven’t always been bad but it fucking hurts to know that Phil’s been running away from love for a decade.

“Why did you never say anything?” Dan asks, reaching up to grab Phil’s hand from his jaw in favour of holding his hand.

“I was scared,” He whispers. “I am scared.”

Dan frowns, “Why are you scared? It’s just me.”

Phil let’s out a shaky breath, “The longer it went on the more I thought you were happy to just have benefits. When you hooked up at that uni party, it was the first time I’d seen you with someone else and I thought you didn’t want me. Why would you fuck anyone else if you wanted me?”

Dan doesn’t know how to reply. It was a lifetime ago that it happened but he can still remember the party and how he went from snogging Phil in a mate’s dorm to sucking a guy from the swim team behind a bush. 

He had been so young and so jealous of all the couples that he needed to throw himself at the nearest fit dude to forget about whatever he and Phil had been. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispers.

Phil smiles for a heartbeat, “And after that, as you know, we both kept sleeping with other people, going on dates, never finding that special someone. I always thought it was because you were too distracting. How could I find a partner when my best friend gave me everything? I let us ruin our lives for so long, Dan.”

He wasn’t going to let Phil take all the blame. As much as he wants to blame Phil after all the pain he’s put him through, Dan can’t let Phil blame only himself.

“It wasn’t just you. We both made the choice to stay like this”

“I know but I allowed myself to destroy you. As the years went on I realised that you might love me too but we were too far into this mess. I was always breaking your heart, making you think you’re nothing to me,” Phil begins to cry. “You’re not nothing. You’re my everything. It just took until I almost lost you to realise.”

“Phil…”

Dan surges forward to pull him into a tight hug, fighting back his own tears because it’s no use if the two of them are a crying mess.

“You wanna know why I’m scared?” Phil says into the crook of his neck.

“Why?”

“I want you, so much but I’m fucking terrified. You’re my best friend, my other half. I don’t know what life’s like without you and if we date, and then break up, I’ll lose my best friend forever.”

Dan knows that fear all too well. It’s what’s kept him in the painful cycle until now and it fucking stings to know Phil feels the same way too. The same fear has stopped them from being together all because they love each other too much to lose each other. 

Even though the same fear haunts him, right now he needs to be stronger otherwise they’ll never shake it.

“Who’s to say we break up?”

Phil lifts his head up from Dan’s shoulder. He’s still crying and Dan just wants to kiss every tear away but he can’t. Not yet.

“Not every relationship lasts forever,” Phil says. “What if ours doesn’t?”

“And what if it does?” He counters, reaching up to swipe the pesky tears off Phil’s cheeks. “That’s what love is. Taking risks. I don’t know if we’ll be together forever and that’s fucking terrifying but I know that I love you. And I know that my love is strong enough that I’d rather spend our forever together instead of never knowing what that’s like.”

Phil frowns, “I wasted ten years.”

“You didn’t waste them,”

“I did. We could have spent them together.”

They could have. Their lives could have been wildly different but they didn’t and they have to live with that. Last night Cornelia reminded him that the past cannot be changed but they can change the future. 

“We did spend them together,” Dan replies. “Not in a conventional way. Or in a healthy way. But we’ve been by each other's side for a pretty fucking long time. Maybe that was how we were meant to begin.”

“Do you believe that?” Phil asks, raising a brow as if he’s not convinced.

Dan shrugs. He doesn’t but right now he only cares for the future, “It’s what I’m telling myself.”

Phil hugs him again and they stay like that for a while, entwined together just happy to be in each other’s company. Dan’s heart still aches. Phil’s revelation might have put some of the broken shards of his heart back together but it’s still so fragile in a way that only time can fix. 

There are still many unanswered questions, a lot of trust to be rebuilt, and lost time to catch up on but all of that would come. For now, he’s just thankful that when the sun sets tonight he’ll still have Phil in his life, the way it was always meant to be.

—

The rest of the sunlit hours slip by fast with the two of them curled up on the sofa watching a movie they’ve seen a dozen times before. They haven’t talked much since Phil opened up in the kitchen and even though they need to, Dan is thankful for the change of pace. There’s only so much crying and confessions he can take within the span of twenty-four hours until he feels like a phone on 1% battery.

When the end credits roll, Dan looks over at Phil. They’re sitting side by side underneath a fuzzy blanket and even though they’re not cuddling it feels intimate enough to ask what might be the second scariest question of his life.

“What do you say?”

“To what?”

“Being together.”

Phil turns his body to face him, “Do you think we can?”

He doesn’t know but he has hope. He’s always had hope.

“We can try. It might be hard at first but I have faith in us,” Dan squeezes Phil’s knee.

Phil smiles. It’s weak but it still counts.

“How can you trust me? After all I’ve done to you. How?”

He honestly doesn’t know how but he knows it won't come quickly. They’ve cheated on partners countless times, Phil’s broken his heart for years and made him cry more than any best friend ever should. There’s so much to work through, so many bad memories to replace with good ones but the love he feels whenever Phil’s near him is enough to stick around. He’s never felt love like it and he probably never will. That love lead him to nothing but pain for a decade but now it could become something so much greater than anything he ever hoped.

“I don't know,” Dan says. “I could be a big fucking fool trusting you and wanting a future. But if you’re willing to try, that’s all I need. We’ll work the rest out along the way.”

“You’re too good for me,” Phil says with disbelief.

Dan grins, “I’m well aware of that.”

—

They end up in Dan’s bed, exhausted even though it wasn’t particularly late. The curtains are pulled wide open allowing silver moonlight to pool in the room and illuminate the otherwise pitch black night. 

Dan feels like he’s been hit by a truck and emotionally he has. He went from losing Phil to maybe not losing him to finding out he loves him to having Phil as his. The juxtaposition of emotions almost feels jarring. He went from heartbroken and alone to having the love of his life love him back. It reminds him of how important three words are and how not saying it earlier had led them to all this mess.

Phil’s looking at him and Dan’s looking right back. He doesn’t want to sleep just yet because he just wants to look at Phil. For so long he had been deprived of seeing Phil in his bed for a reason other than sex. It almost feels strange, having Phil so close to him not because of sex.

That’s going to take some getting used to, finding his feet in a relationship that’s more than just sex and terrible communication. 

“If you could go back, to the very first time we met, would you change anything?” Phil whispers into the silent night. 

Dan thinks about it for a moment, “Nope.”

Phil raises his brows, surprised by his response. 

“I know, it’s surprising but I wouldn’t. I’ve enjoyed our life together besides all the heartbreak and cheating and regretful hookups. We’ve done some pretty cool stuff despite all the bullshit.”

“I’d change the night at the abandoned hospital,” Phil says. “I’d tell you I love you. Maybe write it in the snow like the complete dork I am and make you my boyfriend. As much as I have enjoyed the good things in this life, I’d want to experience a universe where I don’t break your heart.”

“Maybe a universe like that exists,” Dan whispers. 

“If it does would you rather be there?”

Dan shakes his head, “I quite like this universe.”

“Good. Because I quite like your face,” Phil grins.

Before he can retort, Phil’s lips are on his and it’s almost overwhelming. It’s just a simple kiss, lips pressing against his gently but it holds so much importance that Dan’s heart can't help but stop for a moment. Unlike all the other kisses that had come before it, this kiss was something new. No emotions were hidden behind this kiss and when Phil goes to pull away, Dan quickly kisses him back because there’s way too much lost time to catch up on.

They kiss beneath the moonlight until Dan can’t anymore because he’s smiling like a fool.

“It feels weird to smile,” Dan says, “Just last night I was sobbing in your brother's house about how you’ve fucked me over and now look at us.”

“Feels weird doesn’t it,” Phil says, caressing Dan’s cheek.

“Good weird though.”

“Good weird.”

Dan pecks Phil’s lips, “You’re going to be the last person I ever kiss, I’m going to make sure of it.”

It’s a big promise but he wouldn’t be here, in bed with the man that’s played with his heart for so long if he wasn’t certain that Phil’s his forever.

Phil pecks him in return, “Same here. Only want you. No more hookups. No more dating. No one else.”

Dan likes the sound of that. He likes it a whole fucking lot. 

Before he can get back to kissing Phil, another question pops into his mind.

“Do you think Kath will be surprised?”

Phil shrugs, “She thought we were together for years. If anything she’ll be relieved.”

“About you no longer sleeping around?”

‘No,” Phil chuckles. “About no longer having to find you a date. She was running out of single women on the Isle.”

He grins. There were only so many blind dates he could go on before it became excruciating, “God bless her. Should we tell her now?”

Phil hesitates, “Maybe wait.”

He pouts. Now that they’re together. Like  _ together _ together he feels impatient, “I’ve waited ten years you twat!”

“Yeah, so what’s another few days?”

Dan props himself up on one arm and grins, “I’m going to officially become her favourite son that’s why your stalling.”

“You’ve been her favourite from day dot. Martyn and I have no chance while you’re around. Now come here I wanna kiss you,” Phil reaches out to pull Dan closer, bringing their mouths together.

He could kiss Phil forever, they have ten years of kisses to catch up on after all. 

Phil’s lips feel so perfect on his as if they were made for each other. Maybe they were and that’s why, despite everything that’s happened, they’re still here loving each other. 

If Dan from last night knew that right now he’d be in bed with Phil kissing him without any confusion, he doesn’t think that Dan would believe him. Last night he was so certain that Phil didn’t care, that he only used him when he needed a quick fix. Now he knows that Phil did all that because he loves him. 

It doesn’t excuse the years they lost to heartbreak but those were questions for another day. It will be a long path ahead of them until everything feels normal but Dan’s determined to get there and he thinks Phil is too. 

For now, he’s content to kiss Phil and push aside all the niggling fears that still run around inside his head. Tomorrows a new day and it will be the first where he’s waking up with Phil by his side, not because he fell asleep after sex but because he wants to be there.

“I’m never gonna get sick of kissing you,” Dan hums, trailing kisses from Phil’s cheek to his neck just because he can.

“Really?”

“Uh huh. It’s what I always looked forward to whenever we fucked. Getting to kiss those pretty lips.” Dan nips Phil’s bottom lip lightly just for emphasis. 

Phil mirrors the action, pulling at Dan’s bottom lip slightly, just enough for him want to crave more.

If he wasn’t so tired, Dan would continue, spark the fire between them that has always been so strong. But he’s tired and tonight is not the night. Emotions are still too raw to fall back into old habits so quickly. 

Instead of continuing, Dan pulls one last question from the abyss inside his head, Why did you never kiss me besides when you were horny?”

Phil frowns. He probably wasn’t expecting another meaningful question.

“I was afraid you’d realise I love you. Because I thought if you knew, I’d lose you as my best friend.”

“You still have me,” Dan whispers.

“But for how long?”

“As long as life allows.”

Phil presses their lips together, “I love you and I hope one day you’ll forgive me for all that’s happened.”

“Me too,” He replies, shuffling down the bed a bit so he can close his eyes and curl up alongside Phil. 

There’s so much to forgive, so many blank spaces to fill and creases to iron out. He knows it won’t be easy but he has Phil by his side and no plan to let go of him any time soon. They may never be a perfect couple or even a conventional couple, but Phil is all he ever wants in life so he’s prepared to face it all. 

Tomorrows a brand new day and the beginning of what could be a whole new, brighter chapter of their lives and as he drifts off to sleep, Dan whispers the only words that fill his finally tranquil mind, “I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](http://scifiphan.tumblr.com) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/choerrywine)!  
> [also reblog this fic on tumblr if you want!](https://scifiphan.tumblr.com/post/183796049431/pas-de-deux)


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